Abusive Relationships

Definition

Abusive relationships involve a pattern of verbal, physical, emotional, financial, psychological, and/or sexual abuse used to establish power and control within the context of an intimate relationship.  One partner uses abusive behaviors to assert power or maintain control over the other.  It is also known as:

Although the media often portrays relationship violence in heterosexual couples with a male abuser and female victim, abuse can and does happen with female perpetrators and male victims, though it is much less common.  Abuse also occurs in same sex relationships at approximately the same rate as in different sex relationships.

People who are abusive want power and control from the relationship, though they often try to portray their abuse as love. Their need for control is obtained through psychological and verbal abuse, threats and intimidation, physical abuse, sexual abuse, social abuse, and controlling or possessive behaviors. Visual representations of power and control can be helpful in understanding abuse.  Click here for a visual representation of power and control in dating relationships. Because of systems of power and oppression in our culture, such as sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, and ableism, abusers may use identity-specific threats to control their partner.  Check out other representations of equality or of power and control at the National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence webpage.

Once the cycle of abuse begins, it almost always continues to get more severe, more explosive, and move more quickly. If you’re concerned about your safety because of your partner’s behaviors, check out the Safety page or see The Compass Center’s (formerly Family Violence Prevention Center’s) Safety Planning page.

Warning Signs of an Abusive Partner

Someone who is abusive is likely to:

  • emotionally hurt you (insults, belittling comments, ignoring you, acting sulky or angry when you initiate an action or an idea).
  • tell you who you may be friends with, how you should dress, or try to control other elements of your life or relationship.
  • get jealous when there is no reason.
  • drink heavily, use drugs, or try to get you drunk or high.
  • berate you for not wanting to get drunk, get high, have sex, or go with them to an isolated or personal place.
  • refuse to let you share the expenses of a date and gets angry when you offer to pay.
  • be physically violent to you or others, even if it’s “just” grabbing/pushing to get their way.
  • act in an intimidating way toward you by invading your personal space (sitting too close, speaking as if they know you much better than they do, touching you without permission).
  • be unable to handle sexual and emotional frustrations without becoming angry.
  • not view you as an equal because they are older or see themselves as smarter or socially superior.
  • go through extreme highs and lows—acting kind one minute and cruel the next.
  • be angry and threatening to the extent that you have changed your life so as not to anger them.
  • blame others for his/her/hir actions.

Characteristics of an abusive relationship

Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, cultural, and/or verbal and is designed or used to control, coerce, humiliate, demean, or otherwise cause harm.

  • When we think of abusive relationships, we most often think of physical violence. Physical battering is only one of many tactics of abuse that abusers use to control their partners. Oftentimes, emotional abuse or the threat of physical violence is used to perpetuate fear and control. It is of the utmost importance that we do not devalue nonphysical forms of violence in abusive relationships. These other forms of non-physical violence are powerful and deadly in their own right and cause extreme harm to survivors of relationship violence.

The objective of abuse is to maintain power and control over one’s partner.

  • Abuse is about power. In a society that is riddled with the injustices of sexism, heterosexism, racism, and classism, there are many forms of privilege that abusers have at their disposal to control and manipulate their partners.  For example, this could mean threatening to share someone’s sexual identity, gender identity, immigration status, HIV status, or sexual history.

Abuse occurs in a cyclical fashion.

The abused partner often feels alone, isolated, afraid, and usually believes that the abuse is her/his/hir fault or could have been avoided if she/he/ze had only known the right thing to do.

  • There are many reasons why individuals do not leave abusive relationships. When thinking of reasons why people “choose” to stay in abusive relationships it is important to keep in mind the intersecting social, political, and economic factors, and the fear of lethal psychological and physical violence that may prevent an individual from accessing life-saving resources and support.

Abuse can be lethal.

  • Research has shown that abuse often gets worse over time. Survivors often find themselves in the most danger when they are trying to leave an abusive relationship. At the end of this section, you will find some materials and resources on how survivors can create different types of safety plans to protect themselves during and after an abusive relationship.

 

Tips for keeping yourself safe if you think you might be in an abusive relationship:

  1. Stay in touch with friends and make an effort to spend time with people other than your partner.
  2. Continue doing activities you enjoy and that make you feel good about yourself.
  3. Be open to making new friends and try to increase your support network.
  4. At UNC, call the Dean of Students office or Department of Public Safety to learn about your options.
  5. If you live in the same residence hall as your abuser, speak with housing staff about getting a room change. If you do change rooms, it’s okay to let others know that you are leaving that room without sharing your new location.
  6. Tell your professors, your RA, and your friends about what is happening.
  7. Tell your roommate(s) what is happening; they can help you screen calls and visitors.
  8. Consider asking the university to remove your information from the public directory.
  9. If you feel that you are in physical danger, try not to be alone between classes. Walk with friends to class and use the transit system.
  10. Try not to be alone with your partner, especially in isolated or deserted locations.
  11. Try to double date or go out with groups of people.
  12. Try not to be dependent on your partner for a ride.
  13. Trust your instincts! If you feel you’re in danger, get help immediately. Do not minimize your fears.
  14. Develop a safety plan.

Sample Safety Plan

Safety planning can help victims/survivors in an abusive relationship or who intend to leave.

  1. If I cannot get home, a safe place for me to go is___________________.
  2. If violence starts while I am out with my partner, a safe way for me to get home is_____________________.
  3. I can call __________________ in an emergency.
  4. I will use __________________ as my code word with my parents, relatives, school personnel, and /or friends so they can call for help.
  5. If the abusive partner comes to my house, I will (inform my roommates, call the police, call a neighbor, etc.).
  6. If he/she/ze calls my cell, I will (let voice mail pick up, have phone number changed, get number blocked, etc.).
  7. When I expect we are going to have an argument, I will try to move to a space that is lowest risk, such as (crowded hallway in school, safest room in your house, not the kitchen or bathroom where there may be implements/tools that can be used as weapons and not in a room that has no access to an outside door).
  8. If I am at a party and he/she/ze should escalate their behavior, I will (have a friend take me home, leave the party, call a taxi etc.).

For more information on Safety Planning, please see The Compass Center for Women and Families’ website.

If you’d like to read more about abusive relationships, check out these resources at the Carolina Women’s Center.